i still love love

and i am never going to stop.

link goes to video.

http://s734.photobucket.com/albums/ww349/kaitlynlauren/?action=view&current=IMG_0090.flv

please please please

i’m so ready for spring to come, i want to be able to sit outside on a bench and lift my head up to the sun and smile without the shivers and cold bringing me down. i can’t wait until standing and waiting for the bus doesn’t freeze my feet anymore and i can wear less than 4 layers of clothing to a class. i feel like i’m constantly doing laundry because i need so badly to be warm.

i don’t think reading week can come fast enough, either. i can’t wait to spend time at grandma’s learning to cable knit, or to go to the ago with ashley, or to cook fun things. i have two projects due within the next 24 hours and all i want to do is finish doing some framing, and painting the background. geeze. a little time would really do some good.

other than that, no news is good news i guess.

this goes up as soon as i get home, gold frame with an aqua canvas background

for meg with love

so i got anxious today and sat and knit a pair of pure, virgin wool slippers because the last ones i tried doing weren’t really going well at all, so i chronicled it with my phone and had a bunch of fun, and made manwiches with ash and she gave me a penguin classic rerelease of little women to go with the collection i hope to own in its entirety in the near future, just the best day, all around. i really, really love my family.

here  are some picked yours!

these are the bottom and sides of the slippers, knit and purled to the size of my foot

alternating knit and purl to make the toe of the slipper, then descend and use a darning needle to sew up the slipper

and these are the final slippers, on my feet, feelin’ fine

getting my morose on

i hate thinking about what kind of an impact i would have made if i were to die tomorrow. i feel like there’s never enough that i could do to deserve remembering or to be significant enough to someone that it would make an actual impact on their day-to-day lives. i don’t mean to sell myself short or to expect so little from anyone else, it’s just a lot easier that way. then i don’t stop wanting to help and to be supportive or to just be a good companion, someone that you’d enjoy having in your life everyday.

i know that i should probably think about how many people  i couldn’t imagine living, wholly, without and then just invert the sentiment but i can’t get myself to make that assumption. i’d just as likely assume that i could never mean as much to others as they mean to me because more than enough people have made it very clear that no matter how much i care for them, it’s misplaced or unneeded. i think that the people that made the most impact on me wouldn’t have the same regard for me because i couldn’t give them anything they didn’t already have.

it feels like it’s filling up my chest and as if i could cry. but i won’t. these things pass.

hmph

well, i sorted out all my finances and have a ton of organizing done, it’s weird to say that my life is actually in order, but it is. everything has it’s place and my time is being managed surprisingly well and i’m just starting to feel like an actual young adult. it feels really nice.

today i went the whole day without coffee and i’m really proud because it was my busy day at school and tonight i can get a good night’s sleep before my day off and get a ton of work done, and then hopefully finish knitting my slippers, i really can’t wait to wear them and to get some other secret crafts done that i’m gonna keep to myself and then post pictures for Meg because i miss her and love her immensely and wish she was crafting with me constantly. ugh.

all in all, times are pretty alright. discounting the random nose bleeds i’ve been getting, which i hope go away soon, please.

I drink coffee like water and

I still never know what to say.

I still don’t know how to get out of bed

half the time. It’s not pretty,

or endearing. I whisper you secrets,

I am still looking to be saved,

sometimes I am so weak,

sometimes I am so strong,

here you go.

My heart is ugly.

so

I didn’t think my elective textbooks would cost that much. Crap. There goes my phone bill money.

true

I am very fortunate. Life isn’t that unfair or cruel enough to keep me down, I’m glad that I have sense enough to see every little great thing that I have and don’t get caught up in the shit that doesn’t matter. I wish more people would appreciate the good things more. Their loss.

welp

Classes are good thus far, except for this history of war class, I feel awkward learning strategies of war. Something about it just doesn’t seem right. I crafted the hell out of the holidays and forgot to give some of my stuff to people but will eventually get it to them. I need to hang so many things though and I’m anything but steady, so this is going to be lopsided and great. I hate that these antique lamps i got need another coat of spray paint and I left it in Barrie, in Ash’s basement to be specific, I probably won’t get to finish them till spring. Which isn’t THAT far away, I guess. Ash is booking off time to go to the AGO with me and I’m so happy, sister museum time is the best. It’s insane how much I can get done in a day when I actually try, coffee doesn’t hurt either.

I only have class on Tuesday and Thursdays and I feel ridiculous, it’s so easy, I just have to be at school for a long time on those days and do online course stuff on my days off, most likely Wednesdays. Today I will run some errands when Lauren gets home and hopefully not have to do them alone, although it’s easier to ignore people you know on the bus when you’re alone than if you’re with someone else and interacting. I’ll figure it out. I just put on my headphones and zone into my phone and pretend it’s really interesting even though i have terrible apps and just end up sorting music. I wish I hadn’t bought nice sunglasses in winter, I can’t really wear them without feeling like a douche, unless I’m driving, then I look cool. I need to stop impulse buying, I just wanted pretty stuff that make me happy. It’s sad sometimes that things, random things, can make you feel better than most people. Also funny because I’m not sad about it, I kind of feel like I’ll always be able to feel better because of these stupid things.

I need more vitamins, I’m getting so tired and need to stop that. Or make more pizza. Ugh, yeah, I’ll probably just make another pizza. I hope this weekend is fun, I really don’t know what to do. I know some people want to go out on Saturday which will be nice, but I feel like really doing something fun. Oh well. BRB. Makin’ tofu.

begin

a new coat of paint is like a heavy and strong rain that washes every bit of doubt and misfortune out of life for that moment

i’m going to paint over all of the things that i can’t control and don’t need to bother myself with, and i’ll keep painting until all of my doubts are gone and i get the good that i deserve

no more questioning, no more worrying about people that i can’t and shouldn’t help, just openness and prospects. things are constantly getting brighter. today will be a good day.